Whitehouse Announces Change in Torture Methods

August 20 2008, Washington DC.
Last night in a speech to the Nation, President Bush announced sweeping changes in the way American's questions al-Queda Prisoners. Executive order Star Date: 12499y7.4 also called, "Screw it, I can't take Nany Pelosi's whining" lays out the new ways that the United States will try to extract information from terrorist prisoners.

• The 72 Virgins torture. No this has nothing to do with sexuality or martyrdom. With this torture the terrorist is put in a room with 72 spoiled 16 year-old American Girls, with one bathroom one hair dryer and one TV Set. No one has lasted more than one 28 day cycle
  

• The No Exit torture. Suggested by the play write Sartre'-- Here our terrorist is locked in a room with an Insurance Agent and Financial advisory who will try to sell him more and more service.

• The New York Jets Torture. Based on the adventures of th NY football team, here the terrorists will receive fake news casts indicating that Islam is close to its dream of world domination and each time---at the very last possible second a terrorist on the Islamofacist side make a really dumb mistake that turns the tide against the Islamics. This particular torture may take a while, I have been living it for almost 40 years and I am only half crazy.

• The Sleeping Drooling Commuter Torture. Transport old Long Island Railroad Commuter trains to Guantanamo. Force the terrorist to sit on that train under real commuting conditions. No air conditioning, sitting in the middle of a three-person seat, the 300 pound guy on the right falls asleep on the detainees shoulder, he is snoring and drooling. The woman on the left...just happened to have spent the last six weeks sautéing herself in really pungent perfume.
  

• The NAASCAR Torture. Even a Muslim Fanatic cant resist a good auto race. We build a track in Guantanamo Bay and let Abdul and Achmad play speed demon on the track. Just as the race nears the end, some lady name Sadie enters the track driving a Buick--she is going 32 miles an hour and her left blinker is on.

• The Cell Phone Torture. Give each of the Guantanamo detainees a cell phone. Then give their cellphone numbers to telemarketers and text commercials. When thy finally are able to use the service to call out to family---they are out of range.
  

• The Democratic Party Torture. The terrorists are put in a room with Nancy Pelosi and Senator Reid. The two Congressional leaders whine at the terrorists constantly. Informing them that every act they do is against the Koran (even if its not). For really tough cases Congressmen Murtha attacks their Marine forces calling the murderers (which they are). For the cases that are deemed hopeless we give let Senator Ted Kennedy drive them to parties.

One idea, a celebrity scandal TV Torture where the terrorists would have to watch 24 hours a day of scandals such as Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan was scrapped. Apparently in during the test phase too many terrorists tried to rip their eyes out.

What the Liberal Media is calling torture today has saved thousands of lives in the US and across the world. This new torture will take a lot longer, and we may lose the opportunity to prevent some attacks but it will make the people at the Daily Kos and the NY Times Happy...and lets face it --thats what is important in the world...isn't it?