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Thursday, February 14, 2013

BREAKING: Archeologists Find Hidden Version of Constitution (From 1790) In Chicago Cave

In a Washington D.C. news conference archeologists working for the Smithsonian Institution have announced an incredible discovery--a hidden version of  the U.S Constitution dated 1790. It was passed by the original 13 States and intended to supplant the version  ratified in 1788 (the one we use now). The Chief Archeologist on the project named the document "the Dead Baseball Team Scrolls," because they were found in a previously unknown cave underneath Wrigley Field in Chicago.

According to the scientists, a 16-year-old boy named Zach Emanuel (who happens to be the son of the Chicago Mayor) was walking his dog near the ball park, threw a stick and and heard a bang. Thinking it was another Chicago gun crime, he ran in the other direction---tripped and fell into a long-forgotten cave.

 The boy found the document amongst some broken beer bottles from an ancient beer summit, a box of missing government issued birth control, and a huge orange sign which read "This Cave Funded by President Washington's Stimulus Plan."

Archeologists determined the cave was once occupied by an ancient cult of progressive prognosticators.

On the cave wall was a drawing of someone who looked exactly like President Obama with a caption written in an undecipherable ancient language "Edeemer-ay." Next to the drawing is another of what seems to be a man in a tutu. Under that picture is written the words "Lameb-ay Ush-bay."

This cult known in history books as the Progressenes wrote the document in English.

It begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble,

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and establish this brand spanking new Constitution for the United States of America recognizing  the document approved in 1788 neglected to talk about social justice.
The over-all document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788, it just adds a few things:
  • Under the census provision it adds, "if a large group of foreign nationals come into the country illegally, they are to be counted in the census as not to appear racist."
  • The executive branch articles include a provision that says, "The Attorney General of the Country at his discretion may send AK-47s to foreign drug cartels.  And another one which says "Anyone who Disagrees with the President of the United States shall be deemed a hate-monger and a racist.
  • There is now a glossary of terms in the constitution explaining the words such as Taxes (shall be called revenue enhancements) and Criminally Trespassing into the country (undocumented migrants).
  • The newer constitution still calls for a bicameral legislative branch, but with a slight difference. The upper chamber is called the Senate, the lower chamber is called "The Stubborn Rich-Loving, Tea Party-led House."
It is quite amazing the way these Progressenes were able to see into the future, beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised constitution was a document called "The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitutions Wrongs," these included:
  • There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion.
  • The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma).
  • Government may not interfere with a woman's choices about her own body when it comes to aborting children, however they are allowed to tell both women and men what kind of food and beverages to put in their body.
  • We were only kidding about the right to bear arms.
  • There is a right of Unions to be bailed out even if the government has to take over the entire automotive industry.
  • The right to high speed internet is guaranteed.
  • The right to free birth control is guaranteed. 
  • The right to Nursery School is guaranteed.
  • The government has the right to control free speech on the internet, talk radio, and Fox News.
  • The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if petroleum is involved
  • The government has the right to redistribute income. The wealthiest 1% have more money than they deserve.
  • There is no such thing as national debt, if the federal government owes trillions of dollars the president is directed to close his eyes, click his heels together three times and say aloud, "there is no federal deficit." Once that is done the POTUS is allowed to lie to the citizens about any debt.
Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery however,  anybody doubting the pedigree of this document is obviously taking a bipartisan effort and trying to interject partisanship.

For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has already been endorsed by the Obama administration.

 Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real, is the fact that the provisions of this revised constitution were put into practice when Barack Obama became president. If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a watchdog over the government would scream bloody murder but they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real!

According to the archeologists, there are more documents in the cave, specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution and a history of Chicago politics, which will be released as soon as they are written examined.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hehehe! Had me going for a second, or two.