EXCLUSIVE: The Government is Hiding Sequester Horrors

Thank God for Harry Reid! Everybody knows that the sequester is the worst thing to happen to this country since My Mother The Car was cancelled by NBC in 1966, but there are horrible things about the sequester the federal government is hiding from the people.

Yesterday, on the Senate floor Harry Reid let slip some of those unknown effects:

But the sequester could also cost this country – and humankind – a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer.

At first I thought the Majority Leader was just being hyperbolic. But in the middle of the night I woke up screaming "HOLY COW!  That's Horrible ! The scream had nothing to do with Harry Reid --I had a nightmare about going to the beach and seeing Helen Thomas and Nancy Pelosi wearing bikinis.

As I recovered from that awful picture which will never be totally erased from the outer corners of my cerebral cortex, my thoughts turned to what Reid's comments regarding the sequester. "What if he is correct?" I thought, "OMG! What if there are other sequester disasters the public doesn't know about?"

I must have been talking aloud because just then my wife turn to me and said, " You are 55! That is way too old to say O-M-G! Especially at 3AM! You sound like a 12-year-old girl" Leaving the bedroom to think, I resolved to find out what else the government was hiding about the sequester.

As I usually do with perplexing questions such as this, I called my Cousin Ben,  the Spy (his mother wanted him to be a doctor but he is a germ-aphobe).  Ben had just gotten back from consulting with the FBI  in their investigation to find out the real reason Al Gore's second Chakra had such a small carbon footprint.

The Government was hiding information and Ben was the perfect man for the job.  When he was in college he investigated why everyone in Metropolis fell for Superman's Clark Kent disguise-- after all the only real difference was a pair of glasses.  The reason was they had only one TV Network MSNBC which effected their brain patterns so dramatically they believe anything they are told.

After yelling at me for waking him up in the middle of the night, Ben accepted his assignment (he had to---summer was coming up. I have a pool in my backyard and he lives two hours from the beach).

Ben changed out of his official Superman Underoos he received during a previous case and left for the District of Columbia.

Just a few hours later I received this email from Ben:

To Jeff
From Ben

Subject: Holy Crap this Sequester Thing is Going to Be Real Bad

Jeff you were right--I broke into Harry Reid's office and found a memo on his desk titled, "
Secret Stuff The Sequester Will Cause: At the top of the list was the Airport delays.  Number two a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer below that was...well all I can say is O-M-G! [I knew I got that expression from somewhere].  Look at this list:

1. Airport Delays
2. Failure to find a cure for AIDS or Parkinson’s disease or cancer.
3. More TV Shows about the Kardashians
4. The Movie Battleship
5. Bar Rafali Will have to French Kiss a more nerds on TV
6. Donald Trump will Speak At CPAC
7. The Mayan Apocalypse will be further delayed
8. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
9. Jimmy Fallon will replace Jay Leno
10. Apple Stock Will Tank
11. Punxsutawney Phil will be arrested for perjury by the Tea Party radicals
12. AMC will announce a new version of Celebrity Bowling
13. Global Warming will be proven a hoax
14. Anthony Weiner will make a political comeback and more pictures of his "junk" will be released
15. Some Conservative Blogger in NY will have a horrible dream about Helen Thomas and Nancy Pelosi in bikinis

 Well at the very least I finally know where that gross dream came from. But there it is in black and white, ten horrible things that have happened or are about to happen because of the sequester.   I don't know if the country will survive all this, we are a resilient people but I am not sure we are that resilient.

Then I noticed the fine print on the bottom.

WARNING: It is very important that all the above horrible side effects of Sequester are blamed on the ultra-right winged extremist Republican Party (even though they aren't real).

So that's their trick! Its all a political ruse!  

What the Federal Government is hiding is the fact that nothing bad is resulting from the sequester other than Harry Reid making up disasters to blame on the GOP. In the end, the worst things coming from the sequester are Harry Reid's hyperboles