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Sunday, June 22, 2014
The Best New Names For The Washington Redskins
On Wednesday, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office decided to interfere with private enterprise by cancelling the six trademarks on the name "Washington Redskins." While the team can still use the name (but so can anyone else) and the Redskins will sue to reverse the decision, as a service to the country (especially pro-football fans) we at TheLid have decided to make things easier for the anonymous Washington team by compiling a list of names they would be proud to use.
The Redskins are free to use any of the names below without paying us a cent (although if they wanted to offer us prime game tickets we wouldn't object):
Something timely? How about "The IRS Email Hunters," or "The Fast and Furious," or "The Benghazi Scandals." That suggestion may be too difficult as there are so many Obama scandals to choose from.
How about "Thank God We're Not The NY Jets"? OK, it's a bit long, however, it's a chant that should be heard in every NFL stadium.
Many pro-football teams have animal names, like the Dolphins, Jaguars, Cougars, and Ravens. How about an animal associated with Washington D.C., such as "The Lame Ducks"?
Washington D.C. is the seat of the federal government; other teams have taken their names from federal institutions, such as the former baseball team, the Senators. Football is a sport with large menacing athletes, so perhaps they could adopt the name "The Bloated Bureaucracy." D.C is the center of American politics; perhaps the team could take on a name related to the political class, like "The Hacks" or "The News Spinners" or even "The Obamacare Death Panels."
Tampa Bay has the Buccaneers, Oakland has the Raiders, so I thought Washington could have "The Stealers," but that won't work because it's too close to the Pittsburgh team. But how about "The High Taxers,""The Redistributors," or even "The IRS Hit-Squad"?
Baseball's Nationals took the name because D.C. is the capital of our country but Nationals seems a bit soft for a football team. At first I thought of "The Constitutions" but realized that won't work because many in DC would be confused by the reference. As an alternate how about something tougher such as "Criminally Trespassing Aliens"? It avoids the anti-PC term "illegal aliens," and certainly sounds tough.
How about taking a number? After all, the 49ers have a long history of winning football. Why not call the team the "Washington 17 Trillions"? But then the team will have to change what they are called every few months as long as Obama is president.
There is one more option. There are several teams with the name of an occupation associated with the city, like the Dallas Cowboys. Using that method the football team could even name itself after the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, something like, "Federal Bureaucrats Who Ignore their Jobs and Waste Time on PC Issues Which Should Be Decided By The Marketplace."
While that last option may be a bit long, it is a perfect description of what the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office is apparently all about these days.
Note: You should see some of the trademarks the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office didn't cancel. Caleb Howe covers that story here.