If Barack Obama Gave FDR's Declaration of War Speech Dec. 8, 1941

After yesterday's speech by Obama about ISIS terrorists, I wondered what would it sound like of our feckless POTUS made FDR's declaration of War Speech...so I wrote it...sadly it's probably not that far from the truth. So below is a speech that might have been given by Barack Obama on December 8th 1941:
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Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of jobless militants who perverted the politics of the peaceful nation of Japan and their faith Shinto, whoever they are.

The United States was at peace with that nation but we've harmed them, and, at the solicitation of those who try to portray themselves as Japanese, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. The people of the United States must have insulted them, because one hour after these Japanese impersonators' air squadrons had commenced bombing in the island of Oahu (which we stole via our imperialist nature), the Japanese ambassador to the United States who had no opportunity or job in his homeland delivered to our secretary of state a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations because Americans are arrogant, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

We deserved the attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands which caused severe damage to American naval and military forces of which we had too many anyway. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships bent on imperialism have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday because of their legitimate grievances those who perverted Shinto also launched as attack against Malaya.

Last night their forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night their forces attacked Guam.

Last night their forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night their forces attacked Wake Island.

And this morning their attacked Midway Island.

Those who claim to be Japanese have, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area all because of their because of their lack of opportunity.  The people of the United States have already formed their opinions but remember the future does not belong to those who slander the Emperor of Japan.

Just yesterday I got a letter from a little girl named Sally.  Sally said 'I love being an American, but why do American's act so evil to people who don't look like them?'

Sally as long as I am president of this repressive nation we will change our ways.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. Our best scientists are developing the internet so we can attack their efforts on Facebook and twitter.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated but justified invasion, the American people, in their arrogant might, will tweet them into oblivion, then we will give them jobs and opportunity.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of justified anger shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger. We must talk to these radicals so we can tell them how sorry we are.

With confidence in our armed forces, I say we cannot kill our way out of this conflict, so with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us God, Allah, Emperor Hirohito, or whoever you worship.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by these nameless radicals on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of unexplained conflict has existed between the United States and those who attacked us (whoever the hell they were). That declaration should not include boots on the ground and should expire after a period of three years.